So at the moment I am trying to get ready for holiday (Oh hell yes !), I am also trying to MumBoss and recruit local businesses to support my cause. I am also trying to Mum two small children who just want to buck society and live like tramps. Also there is Sir in my head and the chats we have had lately about developing TTWD and the intro of Poly.
As you can imagine my head looks abit like an abstract masterpiece and I cannot seem to stay on one thought for more than 2 seconds.
My two year old has just asked why I need a wee wee. Oh dear lord I raised this thing.
Anyway, back to the Poly … or maybe the dishwasher … or maybe the cute travel sized shampoo..
This is why I need a Sir
So the last couple of days have been hard … okay maybe couple of weeks …
The kids have had colds and teething, families have been having fall outs and real life has slapped us around the face.
Now I am the first to hold my hands up, I have been a horrible sub lately, I have been a brat and only thought about myself and preserving my own mental sanity. Sir has been the hero as usual and been so so patient and kind. He has gently pushed me to remember my place and remind me that when I am ready to, he will be there waiting, propably with a flogger in hand …
Real life can suck, it can be draining and make you forget who you can be, the you that you like to be, the real you without all the frills and graces that case more problems than help. Now everything is not back to normal, the problems still persist and it left me wondering if this whole TTWD is just a fad, a tide that washes in and out of our lives. Not something to set your watch to. However!
I still crave it like I do chocolate or caramel coffee, I still beg to be at his mercy. Those feelings never fade, its like I have the Illuminator (I think thats what its called … the light thing from Harry Potter … wow off track) in my pocket. Its the promise I keep in my back pocket, safe from all the shit. The promise that all I need to do is acknowledge it and all will be light again.
So no, glum sub, its not a fad, its the light I just have to let in, I need to stop shutting it out. I have never been so excited to open the curtains :p
After a chat online about collars it has made me think about my own and the meaning I hold to it. Now my collar is not a large obvious piece nor it is obvious what the meaning is to ‘vanilla’ people. Its a long chain with my name ‘Kitty’ (my D/s name) and a set of two bells. Now abit of back story…
When Sir and I started TTWD I wore a chin with an O, on the O was inscribed ‘this above all, be true to thy self’, I love this collar but it was brought as Husband and Wife and therfore it struggled to take on a different meaning.
In march our D/s took a massive drop, Sir and I both struggled and I withdrew my submission until it was mended. Now before the internet trolls start dragging me under the bridge, I did not want what we had to be tared by the bad time, I felt it was best to keep it squeeky clean and locked safely away until we could cherrish it like we should. Now after a couple of days of talking and reafferming solid ground we wanted to try again. Sir and I had a long session and within it alot of things emerged. I needed a deeper sign of my submission and our limits had changed alot. We had gone from level 1 to level 5 and it fitted like a glove. It transpired that we both loved ‘kitty’ and I enjoyed nuzzling Sirs neck, wearing my tail and stretching out like a Kitty in Sirs lap.
So my collar changed, it is a far bigger sign to the outside world and I believe reflects TTWD and out commitment to it. I love my collar, I would feel so lost without it, and the bells sound good when I get spanked 🙂 Always a bonus.
I have always had a problem with inflicting emotional/physical pain on myself, I can do it far to easily and often. It leaves me emotionally bruised and not able to submit to Sir. Since our D/s reset in March Sir has tried to take on the roll of my conscious for me. He has been the one to tell me I have done wrong, the physical pain he inflicts on me allows my head to forgive myself and move past whatever has been a whirlwind in my head. He praises me till I feel giddy or spanks me until my head has started a fresh.
Last night was one such spanking. Now bare with me, everything sort of blurs into a beautiful couple of hours, some points stand out.
Sir coming in, his cock by my face, taking my hair and guiding me to suck him. Sir putting his hand on my throat, whispering in my ear, ‘Never hurt yourself again Kitty’ my body responding, my arse straining into the air in pleasure. He squeezes my throat and my head spins in blissful circles. My hair being pulled back so that I can suck his cock again, my greedy response of licking his every inch. Sir removes what he wants from the draw and demands me ready with my arse in the air. Soon the spanking starts, heavy blows that slowly start clearing the fog in my head. Then the crop starts running over my clit and pussy, my body straining with pleasure. Alternating between teasing me with the flogger and crop and spanking me with the other, leaves me a mumbling mess. Sir fucking me while the wand brings me over the edge.
The next thing that is clear in my head is being led on my back, Sir between my legs running his fingers over my clit. Sir tells me how I look and how my body reacts to him. Bliss still spinning in my head, me straining for any touch I can recieve. My tail makes an apperance and I had forgotten how nice it feels.
About an hour after there is me, led on the bed in a heap, snuggling Sir. What a way to rest.
When you are married, there are conditions, there are boundaries to the relationship that allow you to feel safe and secure. There was always an unspoken condition between Sir and myself that we would understand the others need for silence. Not the literal silence where you can hear a pin drop, but the silence of emotion and knowledge, the need to keep it quiet. We are both broken people, we already understood and excepted this between ourselves. At points in time one of us would fall silent. The type of silent that the other can hear louder than a horn, this was me. I had started to withdraw and be silent again, me, myself and my safe place. See this was my issue, looking back now I can see it. My safe place never included Sir.
Now before it become apparent how weird I actually I am, the happy ending. I found the strength to ask Sir to be, well just that, Sir. Rather than the car crash I had anticipated it was like planting a seed. We talked and This Thing We Do grew, it bent around our lives and slowly wound its way around everything we do. Now we struggle to think of what the landscape looked like before, how bare and standard it must have been. When TTWD started there was one massive unspoken condition.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU NOW, I WILL STILL LOVE YOU IF THIS FAILS.
For me its the biggest safety net I have ever felt, to know however this path ends, he is there, either as Sir or his slightly less Dominant self, I will love him and he will love me. So for him I write this blog, so that all of the bends in the branches can be noted, so that everyone can see the flowers. I hope you enjoy.